The theory of attachment was first developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the late 1950s. Bowlby believed that the bond between an infant and their primary caregiver has a profound impact on the child’s emotional development. Later, in the 1980s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work by identifying the different types of attachment styles through her “Strange Situation” experiment. While this theory was initially developed in the Western context, its insights are universally applicable, including within Indian culture, where family dynamics and emotional bonds are deeply valued.
In Indian families, close-knit relationships are common, but the pressure of societal expectations and cultural norms can influence attachment behaviors. Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insight into how you navigate relationships, whether with family, friends, or romantic partners.
There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (or disorganized). Let’s explore each of these styles through relatable examples using common Indian names and settings.
People with a secure attachment style tend to feel confident in their relationships. They trust their partners, feel comfortable with emotional intimacy, and maintain healthy boundaries. Individuals with secure attachment are typically raised in environments where their emotional and physical needs were consistently met.
Example: Meera is in a relationship with Arjun. When Arjun has to travel to Bengaluru for work, Meera misses him but remains calm and secure. She trusts their relationship and knows that they will communicate regularly. If any misunderstandings arise, they discuss them with ease, without either person feeling overly threatened or defensive.
People with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance from their partners. They may feel insecure or overly dependent on the relationship for emotional stability. This often stems from childhood environments where affection or attention was inconsistent.
Example: Preeti is dating Rajesh. When Rajesh is busy with work or doesn’t reply to her messages for a few hours, Preeti starts feeling anxious and worries that Rajesh may be upset with her. She sends multiple messages, seeking reassurance. Even though Rajesh tries to reassure her frequently, Preeti often feels insecure and questions whether she is truly loved and valued.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. They may shy away from emotional intimacy, fearing vulnerability. This can result in keeping partners or loved ones at a distance, even when they genuinely care about them.
Example: Raj has been seeing Aditi for a few months. While Aditi often wants to talk about their future, Raj avoids the conversation, feeling uncomfortable with the level of emotional intimacy. He prefers to keep things casual and focuses more on his work than on building deeper emotional bonds. Even though he enjoys spending time with Aditi, he is careful not to let the relationship get “too serious.”
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant traits. People with this style desire closeness but simultaneously fear it. They might push people away to avoid getting hurt, but also feel anxious about being abandoned. This attachment style is often the result of childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Example: Ananya loves her partner, Karan, but frequently pulls away when she feels he is getting too close. She wants to connect but fears that Karan might hurt or leave her, so she pushes him away by acting distant or starting arguments. Despite her strong feelings for Karan, Ananya often finds herself stuck in a cycle of wanting connection and fearing vulnerability.
Attachment styles are shaped by the caregiving environment in early childhood. In Indian households, the role of extended family, societal expectations, and gender norms can influence how attachment behaviors develop. For example, individuals raised in joint families may experience close relationships but might also encounter cultural expectations around self-sacrifice, obedience, or emotional stoicism. Secure attachment typically develops when caregivers are consistently responsive to a child’s needs, while insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) often result from inconsistent, overly controlling, or unavailable caregiving.
Secure Attachment: If you have a secure attachment style, you are likely comfortable with emotional intimacy and trust. You can build balanced relationships and provide stability for those who may have insecure attachment styles, helping them feel more secure.
Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, it’s important to recognize when insecurity takes over and to communicate your feelings clearly. Developing self-soothing techniques and cultivating self-worth independent of relationships can help ease feelings of anxiety.
Avoidant Attachment: If you resonate with an avoidant attachment style, consider exploring why emotional intimacy feels uncomfortable. Opening yourself up to vulnerability and trusting others can lead to deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s helpful to seek professional support or therapy to work through any past traumas. Healing past wounds can help you develop trust and healthier patterns in relationships.
Though attachment styles are largely shaped in childhood, they are not fixed. Through self-awareness, emotional work, and cultivating healthier relationships, it’s possible to shift from insecure to secure attachment over time. Therapy, particularly attachment-based or trauma-focused therapies, can play a key role in this transformation.
Curious about your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships? Check out the attachment style quiz in our Free Resources section or book a counselling session to explore more.
